ELEPHANTS - EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND - DAY 14

Waking up peacefully and remembering that drunk Scottish guy being completely unintelligible with the exception of “Drake is gay”, and me immediately grabbing his friend’s beer for large swig when he brought up Donald Trump. I also briefly remember me chanting “chug chug chug”- Apparently that means jerking it, so I needed to say “down it down it”!

Andrea and I have breakfast and are ready to roll out the door by noon. Andrea caught me folding her laundry again. She was sitting at the desk as I folded quietly behind her until she unexpectedly turned around with a quizzical look asking, “What are you doing”? My embarrassment burned on my face. “ITS CATHARTIC”! I retort. It's true, I hate the idea of being a maid to anyone, but cleaning at any capacity is some of the most peaceful and meditative thing I can do. I guess you can easily equate that to Andrea's love of cooking.

We head out the door and grab the train. I’m glad for the bus tomorrow to the airport. Navigating the train and then the bus to Edinburgh airport would be difficult in such a short amount of time.

About an hour later and we’re in the city. Andrea prefaces that Edinburgh is basically just the wealthier, cleaner version of Glasgow, and it never rains in the East side- We left all of the rain in Glasgow. I guess it’s true, rich people CAN control the weather.

We spot a variety of NEDs (non-educated delinquents, aka young boys in joggers and hoodies. They’re the most UK thing you’ll ever see). Although, I have to admit, this is almost always my go-to-wardrobe anywhere in the world at any climate.

We round a corner, and walk through a park. It’s funny because generally people are always sitting in the shade because it’s too hot. It’s just the opposite here- Everyone’s soaking in the sun. We get to the top of one hill, and pop into an Art museum that’s free. We go in to explore, but sadly there are only two small exhibits, and it’s the type of art where you look at it and think, “What the f**k is that”?

We leave quickly and carry on up a larger hill. We see a castle in the distance, and that’s the castle that inspired Hogwarts. We carry on and pass “The Mound” which is really just a mound of grass, but it’s for rich people so they have a robot mowing the lawn. (Seriously).

Going up more still, we come to the Royal Mile road, because it's royal, and it’s a mile. We hear bagpipes, and it’s flooded with tourists. There are so many shops and shopping, but it’s really just for other white Americans so they can be proud of a heritage they are no longer a part of but still associate with. I can’t hate on it too much- This stimulates Scotland’s economy. Shop away! We pass by a massive whiskey shop and pop in.

A tourist trap for sure, but they have every selection of whiskey so it would be impossible not to find the last and remaining Glen Moray that I sought after this entire trip. I wonder who invented whiskey and who perfected it. I’ll bet the Scottish would say they’d invented whiskey and the Irish would say it was them. I’m biased but I would say Sweden has perfected it, but they would of course, not tell anyone, make it minimal, and be very elitist about it. At the testing bar, I go for the 18year old Glen Moray whiskey. Andrea tries two others, one fruity and the other Smokey. Water is the best palate cleanser and we’re given this too. I nose mine and it burns my nostrils, so much so, that I thought it singed my nose hairs. When I get to tasting it, it’s spicy with a bit of cinnamon and honey, but damn it’s harsh. 18years in the barrel, and it’s still harsh Scottish whiskey. I’ll be hated forever for this, but dare I say the Irish just do it better. I’ve tried so hard to find Scottish whiskey that I’ve liked but haven’t been transformed by a single one. It’s of course up to everyone’s individual palate to decide which whiskey is their favorite, but Scottish whiskey is completely off my list. There, I said it. I’ll be dammed. The flavor of the Glen Moray is actually quite wonderful, and the aftertaste very pleasant but it just doesn’t go down easy. Every sip makes me wince and shudder but I refuse to dilute the whiskey with water. I’ll never do it. That’s a crime. Don't think me a heathen but the only whiskey I’ve enjoyed during my time here was simply the 8year old Highland Black- You can get it at your nearest ALDI.

You don’t need the entire day to see Edinburgh, so we take our time even with half the day gone. Andrea is all nerves because her grades are being posted today if she passed her third year of Vet School. The whiskey does nothing to calm her anxieties, and she checks her phone ever thirty seconds. We clear out, and walk down the Royal Mile.

We pass a Scops owl named Einstein because he has a little mustache. He’s absolutely the cutest and smallest owl I have ever seen. A tiny mustache and two large orange eyes- I’m smitten. Scops owls are native to South Africa. The moment only got cuter when a long haired boy came up to me trying to get closer to the owl. I encouraged him to go even closer to get a better look. He eventually got to hold Einstein and I think it made his day. I told him “well done”! And he gave an adorable “THANK YOU” in his charming highland Scottish accent.

We go into another shop down the road. It’s filled with jewelry of Celtic origin. I have to admit, I’m simply not fond of Celtic design, fairies or dragons. It makes me proud of my Viking heritage instead with Lapland bracelets, sheep’s wool rugs, simple silvers for jewelry and minimal, contemporary artistic designs for decorations, fashion and furniture.

We carry on to GrassMarket, the place that inspired Diagonal Alley in Harry Potter. Just next to is The Elephant House Cafe. Andrea knows this place like a second home and requests a table in the back. Just like J.K. Rowling, she sat here overlooking the castle in the distance when writing the first few HP novels. I'm so inspired how great things can have such small beginnings.

The cafe itself is an Asian Bohemian fusion cafe filled with hipsters, both as servers and as customers. The cafe stays true to its theme with elephants everywhere and a few photos of the master herself with news clippings and photos of how she made this place famous. I had an espresso and shared ube cake (purple sweet potato). Moreover I just really love elephants. They’re intelligent, emotional creatures with excellent memory and thrive on running their communities through the matriarchy. I also overheard a girl talking about reading the Harry Potter books and crying in the laundry room. The place was utterly understaffed and the service was extremely slow, but it was pleasant not feeling the urge to be rushed out for other customers waiting in line, hoping to sit and experience the ambience of where their legendary childhoods had been birthed. I hit the restroom and even that is a spectacular place, filled with Harry Potter admiration with writing on the wall. I think about getting a shirt here before we leave but I’m not as much of an obsessive fan as Andrea is. It would’ve been an excellent trinket, but truthfully I already have buyer’s remorse about the whiskey cup I purchased in Ft. William. I just don’t have the burning desire to buy anything anymore.

Onward, we run by Greyfriar Bobby’s nose and hit the cemetery. The story behind Greyfriar Bobby was that his dog had waited on his master’s grave after he passed and both were laid to rest in the cemetery. We skip this bit, and go straight to Thomas Riddell’s grave and Macgonagall’s Grave- both Harry Potter characters. Next to the graves is the school that inspired the Hogwarts housing system. The school even has the Hogwarts colors, a crest, and the kids get sorted there as well.

We carry on, and pass a couple where the guy is wearing sunglasses and holding a talking stick. Before I realize my dark comedy mistake, I tell Andrea, “That’s the hottest blind guy I’ve ever seen”. For the rest of the cemetery tour, Andrea and I sing, “Goooing to the chapel and I’m gooonnnaaa get burrried”. It’s here where Andrea gets her results- She passed! She’s three years closer to becoming a Doctor!! We’re probably the happiest people in a place where everyone’s dead. We’re shouting and jumping for joy- This leaves the nearby tourists extremely puzzled...And I think a bit disturbed. We rush over to Greyfriars Bobby and celebrate with me buying her a shot of spiced rum.

With this we walk all the way to the other side of town. This is the posh-est area. This is the level of wealth where you look at people and think, “They must all wear ear pods here" type of rich. It made me say to Andrea, “I don’t feel poor in life, but I definitely feel third world broke in this area”. She had to agree.

We head to dinner at New Chapter, so I can take Andrea out to dinner as a proper "Thank You for housing and taking care of me". We select our wine, and I pay ten pounds for a glass of Portuguese Cabernet. No regrets, I feel rich and snobby...And actually it was the very best glass of wine I’ve ever had.

The bread is freshly baked, the butter is rich and delicious, and everything is honestly divine. We select our three course meal, and are READY to dine finely.

I ordered he lamb shoulder and it fell apart with me barely touching it. I felt like I needed to be alone with my meal. The rest of the experience was just me and Andrea making sexual innuendos about the food- As you do when you’re in a high-end restaurant of fine dining in the posh neighborhood of a posh city when dinner is only served with reservations from 5:30-6:30. The food was exquisite. To sound even snobbier, I have the means to compare and say it wasn’t as good as the food I had at Uncle John and Uncle Robbie’s wedding, but it’s definitely top three.

I pay and thank Andrea for everything again, and she thanks me over and over for the meal. We walk back up to where we started, and it feels good to move and digest- We’re absolutely stuffed.

We make our way back up to where we began on the Royal Mile. Andrea is meeting one of her Harry Potter friends here, and we can go see J.K. Rowling’s handprints at the City Chamber.

Away from the posh neighborhood now, I hear a few lads say, “Ooh ah up the rah”. Apparently it means “f**k you up the arse”. It wasn’t directed at me, but it was just in passing conversation...They were probably talking about football. I was warned by Andrea to never say it, but it sounds like a cheer so of course I’ll will be saying it all the time back in the States.

We meet Erin, Andrea’s friend, at the top of the highest hill and seek out J.K.’s hand prints. In gold we see a tiny pair planted in the ground in 2008. I place my hands down and it’s a perfect fit. We all take turns and with our hands christened, we make our way back to the train station. Erin’s train leaves first, but we have time so we look for a pub. I’m still too full and don’t want a thing. I spot Hebrides Tavern and suggest we go in there.

It was a mistake. We come in to a bunch of drunk old fools. I was hoping my suggestion didn’t steer us into a dark rabbit hole, but it was to my relief that Andrea said this was quite normal. We had a guy dressed in a Superman suit, a guy who could barely talk to us because he was chain smoking, and a woman in the far corner with a bunch of other drunk old bags singing in a low raspy voice, TAAAAAKKEEE OOONNN MEEEE. TAAKKKEEE MMMEEE ‘OOOOMMEEE!!

Andrea orders a Strongbow Dark Fruit and I taste it for the first time. It’s very sweet, too much so for my liking but on a warm day at a bbq back home, and I would love to have more of this. Erin and I not accustomed to this overly, albeit non-threatening behavior, we are eager to leave.

All three of us move to catch our trains. Erin just makes hers in time, and Andrea and I wait for ours. Another hour on the trains home and many card games later, we’re back at the flat FaceTiming Christopher in Switzerland.

I can’t believe the trip is already over. I blinked and two weeks with many stories and adventures have gone by. I’m so grateful and utterly blessed to have been able to spend this time with my cousin. It was certainly a trip of a lifetime experiencing all of the best parts of Scotland. What a beautiful country with grand people!

Sweden and more family tomorrow!